Submitting to my Dark Desires - Blog by Dinner

I’ve always had the fantasies. Even when I was a little kid, as early as I can remember, I’d imagine getting swallowed by monsters. It wasn’t sexual back then of course, but it’s the same fantasy. At around 15-16 years old, I found snake vore. It touched both my fantasy and sex, merging the two forever. I continued to seek this sort of porn and wound up looking at Dolcett’s work and other cannibalism and vore images. All my life though, I hid these fantasies from everyone I knew and had a pretty normal life.

I’ve been dating Mark for about 2 and a half years now. When we first met, he hadn’t tried anal before and was surprised that I asked for it. It took a lot of pushing to get him to bite me hard. Also, he was very reluctant to choke me, thinking he’d kill me, until he had read every resource on it I could find for him. Eventually, we slipped into a routine of anal-missionary sex, with biting beforehand during foreplay, and choking me when I neared orgasm.

In the past year, shortly before August, I started talking about my fetish online. That led to roleplaying it online. First I roleplayed on Omegle, then on irc. Eventually I started to write stories about them too (I post them here: http://www.darkfetishnet.com/group/250/ ). After the first few stories, something interesting happened in a chat with someone on irc. It wasn’t a roleplay exactly, and I didn’t really understand it at the time. For the first time ever, I felt dominated. The guy I’m talking to has me play with myself, and I do as I’m told. Meanwhile, he’s asking about how I look, how well I eat, how connected I am to other people, how long I’ve had my fetish, and strongly I feel that I need it. After a while, he begins telling me that food is what I am and being cooked is what I need. He’s willing to do it if I travel to him. This is very tempting, and it takes me a couple minutes to decline. I do use the experience in the beginning of one of my stories (Eat Me).

After that, I get dominated three more times, still not knowing what it is. I know that I enjoy it. The third of those times was on Nov 12th 2010, at work. The guy I was chatting with then had the same goal as the first, but took a slightly different approach, to try to erode away self esteem. Between talking to me, he would tell me to do things, like remove my panties, and rub my clit. I told him that I was at work, and that my boss’s office was right behind me, and he said “Good. Do it anyway.” …And i did.

I’ve worked for my boss for about 5 years. He’s a solo accident lawyer who only really handles settlements. He’s married, but his wife cheats on him (I see her take her ring off whenever she approaches the elevator to leave.) He masturbates to porn in his office sometimes, and browses AdultFriendFinder, looking for someone to cheat on his wife with.

He hired me right out of high school to be his secretary. No job application, just a resume submission. I don’t think he even looked at my resume. He hired me for my boobs, and had flirted with me ever since. The severity of his flirting kept increasing. At it’s peak, a few years into having the job, he didn’t lock his office door when he was masturbating. When I’d go in to file papers or something, he’d pause his porn, turn to face me, and watch me do my job while continuing to masturbate. The first few times, that felt very awkward, but I got used to it and ignored him.

My job pays more than what anyone else with no college degree or special skills would pay, so I stick with it. I figure, when I do decide to leave, I’ll get a nice settlement from his behavior. Also, he is capable of doing both his job and mine if he didn’t spend so much time with porn and AFF (and maybe putting in a little bit of overtime). So, I have a lot of downtime at work to be online.

So, catching me with my panties on my desk and my hand under my skirt was like striking gold to my boss. He called me into his office and argued, essentially, “We’re both adults. We’re the only ones here. You seem to be horny. I’m horny. Why not fuck?” He’s a lawyer, and he had his own eyewitness evidence. On top of that, I still felt dominated, so I submitted to him quickly. After we fucked, I snapped out of it and realized how big of a mistake that was.

When I returned to my desk, the chat was still up. I told the guy I was back, and he started asking questions. A few answers later, and he knew what happened. He started to tell me all the ways I’d just fucked up my life, and how I’m a worthless whore. He explained that I need to disappear, and that I should travel to him, where he’ll keep me and fuck me for a short while before killing and eating me. If I were still feeling dominated, I don’t know what the outcome of this would’ve been. Even still, the words stung pretty bad.

So, I went to another irc chatroom I go to and talked about it, and they were quite helpful. I texted Mark that I wasn’t feeling well, and not to come to my apartment that night, to give myself some time to calm down. As long as I’m calm enough, he shouldn’t suspect that I cheated on him. That was the only thing, really, to worry about. Telling my boss “no” regarding future encounters shouldn’t be so hard.

I had Mark come over the next morning and made breakfast. After we ate, we fucked. Same routine as usual. After we fucked though, he didn’t release his grip on my throat right away. He smiled at me and said “You want me to kill you, don’t you?” Then he let go. I thought, at that moment, that he was going to kill me. It was an amazing feeling. After catching my breath, I told him everything. From my fetish to the affair. I asked how he knew about the death fetish, and he told me that he always kinda suspected, because of the choking, but that today, he noticed “happiness on your face, but fear in your eyes”. The fear made him certain. That fear though, was a fear that he’d notice something different about me, because of the affair.

During our conversation, I don’t know exactly when, he became dominant. When I told him about the chats, he told me that I’m not allowed to wear panties anymore. I was surprised at him saying “You’re not allowed to-” to me. After I told him about my boss, he told me that he was very disappointed. Disappointed because he had thought I had been fucking him all the time I worked there. He said that I seemed like a classic sexy secretary, and that I he found the idea of me getting fucked regularly by my boss to be “very hot”. He told me then to make myself as sexually available to my boss during normal work hours as my boss wants.

I was much happier. Everything was resolved. Sure, I was going to be a bit more slutty now, but my boyfriend told me to, so it’s okay. I wanted to please him and make him happy.

Later that night, he was going to come by again for dinner. I made two burgers when I knew he was on his way. He came by, and had brought his friend Steve with him. I hadn’t expected this, so I made another burger for myself while Mark and Steve ate. After I ate, I started to feel very horny, since the ritual was always to have sex right after the meal. I was very disappointed because, with Steve there, that was not going to happen.

We were sitting around and chatting when Mark suddenly told me “Sarah, suck Steve’s dick.” I was surprised at my lack of hesitation. Before I knew it, I was on my knees undoing Steve’s pants. After I started to suck, I heard them talking about a bet, and Steve pulled out $20 that he gave to Mark. Apparently, Mark and Steve bet on whether or not I’d suck Steve’s dick when told to.

Mark then went behind me, lifted my skirt, and went right into my ass. After Steve came into my throat, I licked him hard again. When I was getting ready to cum, knowing that Mark wasn’t in a good position to choke me, I simply throated Steve’s cock to choke myself. I really enjoyed that fuck.

The next night, the same scenario happened with a few changes of details. I had made enough food, just in case. The 3rd person was Jacob, a friend of Mark’s from work that I had never met before. There was no bet this time. (Mark does construction work.) Jacob’s was the first black cock ever in my body. It wasn’t that much bigger. It still fit in my throat just fine. I didn’t really see any difference between sucking a white or black cock.

Similar events happened a bunch since then. Steve and Jacob had both been brought over by Mark a few times since, as has John, my best friend (Jess)’s boyfriend. (I hope she doesn’t find out about that.) I’ve also been continuing with my boss. He cums 2-3 times a day, almost always in my throat. If he specifically asks for it, he fucks my pussy (with a condom). Since he doesn’t choke me, orgasms with him are really just not as good. (Not that I’ve ever asked him to choke me. I haven’t.) The orgasm itself is intensified and lasts much longer when you can’t breathe, so once you’ve done that (especially on a regular basis), it’s hard to go back to normal orgasms.

When the two of us are alone, Mark will talk about how he’s going to cook me. He’ll talk about what parts of me are going to taste good. Things like: “That delicious looking cunt of yours will be real good when I carve it out and fry it up with a little butter, and maybe a dash of garlic.” He’s also assured me, as an aside, that he’ll never really kill me, and if something does happen to me, he’ll do what he can to try to respect my wish of being eaten, by eating me if it’s possible to do.

I went with him to his parent’s this year for Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving is already teasing and arousing for me. I get jealous of the turkey each year. Imagining myself in it’s place, I’m usually wet the whole day. On top of all this, Mark specifically takes breastmeat, announcing the fact, when he usually prefers drumstick. He eats slowly, staring at me. “Mmmmm…. This is really good.” It’s obvious to me what he’s doing, but not to anyone else. He’s teasing me. On top of all that, I’ve got no panties on (not allowed to wear them anymore) so I’m crossing my legs tightly, not wanting to get my skirt or the chair wet.

Mark started also referring to me as meat while John’s around. I realized the implication late one night and texted Mark about it the next day. Mark said that John and Steve liked my stories. Steve initially found it too weird, until he read the explanation I posted on DeviantArt. So I texted John to make sure he doesn’t link those stories to Jess. He already sent her an e-mailed link.

This brings me panic once more. She never checks her e-mail though, so she’s got at least 4 months of spam in there I’m sure. Once she does check it, she’ll probably accidentally delete it with the spam. I tried to log in to her e-mail to delete it myself, but couldn’t guess her password. If she gets that link, then so will the rest of my friends. Every name I used in my stories is the name of someone I know, because I’m unoriginal at thinking up characters.

To be safe though, I decide to talk to her about it before she has a chance to get that link

The conversation started kinda awkward for me, of course. I steered into our sex-lives, and asked what the weirdest thing she did with John was. (I’m not going to expose my friend’s sex-life on the internet, but it was fairly innocent). My answer was “anal”, which was a lie. Then I asked what the weirdest fetish she thought existed was, and she said “feet”. That made it feel more impossible, since there’s so much weirder out there. I said “vore”, even though I know there’s weirder.

She didn’t believe me that voraphilia’s a real fetish, and said I just made it up. She had me show her an example on the computer. I showed her one of Dolcett’s pics. Then she wound up browsing the entire Dolcett archives on her own, right then. She didn’t say why. I’m not sure what to think anymore. I hadn’t gotten far enough to tell her that I’m into vore or about the stories yet.

I don’t know if she found them erotic, comedic, or if it was like a train wreck to her. Disturbing, but she can’t look away. A text the next day let me know that she found it interesting. She kinda gets it, but it doesn’t excite her.

I invited her over again and showed her An Amazon Anaconda Attack. She said it was well written and interesting. Then I showed her Eat Me, which she’s mentioned in, but only near the end, and not as meat. She commented (jokingly) that “Maybe we should eat you, since you seem to want it so much.” So then I showed her Friends For Dinner, where she’s eaten first, then I am, both as volunteers. She didn’t seem to have any problem with it, so I explained to her why I was showing her all this. She finds it all very interesting, but isn’t into it in the same way that I am. I let her read through the other stories, and while she agreed not to forward them to our other friends, she’s pushing for me to show them as well, especially who’s names are used. She says I could ease them into it, like I did with her. I’m still thinking that that’s a bad idea.

Jess got me a smooth 10” metal dildo for a Christmas present. She said she thought it resembled the end of a spit. It does. (Not a sharp one, obviously.)

For Mark, I bought a dog collar, put it on and hid it all day under my scarf. I wrapped the box it came it. At the end of the day, I gave him the gift and took off my scarf casually while he was unwrapping it. Seeing that I was wearing the collar I got him, he understood what his real gift was and got all excited. Then he brought me to his apartment, which I hadn’t actually been to in a while, since he generally comes to mine. Mark’s gift to me was some bondage stuff. He works with construction, so he was able to build a very sturdy frame. He couldn’t really transport it without it being too obvious. He also brought rope and tied me in that “turkey” pose. I laid on the table positioned like that which was exciting. He even got out a serving fork and poked me a few times. He mostly poked lightly enough not to cut me, but he did jab a little too hard once and make a tiny cut. I loved it. It hurt a little, but not at all in a bad way. That includes the small cut.

While tied up, I didn’t know if I was really going into the oven or not. I just gave myself to him completely, and now am in an oven ready pose. We both like the idea of him eating me, so is this the end? That was the most amazing feeling of anticipation, completion (and a little fear) that I ever felt. As soon as he made that tiny cut though, he untied me.

Mark has said that he’s got a few ideas for things he wants to do. He wasn’t very specific though. Before now, he’s been reluctant to do too much, unsure what I’d be okay with him doing, especially when he’s brought friends over. Giving myself to him like this has fixed that little hurdle. I will be moving in with him and changing my diet. The collar is only to come off when I bathe and is the first thing to put on once I’m clean. The dietary change is to be more like if I was really going to be eaten. This is an all-organic diet with plenty of fruit. He will handle the shopping for that. The diet change will start once I’ve moved. He’s said that after a month of this, he will offer me my freedom again, to be sure that this is the lifestyle I want.

If I hadn’t given myself to him, he’d get his friends to help him transport the frame he built to my apartment. Since I gave myself to him and he’s moving me in with him, he doesn’t need to do that now.

My boss hadn’t said anything about me wearing a collar. He was staring at it when I came in the next day though, and then wanted to fuck me almost right away. Usually he has me blow him first thing, not fuck him. Fucking is usually at around 4, near the end of the day. He also wanted me on top this time, which he hasn’t done before.

I move in with Master and he puts me on a new all-organic diet, mostly locally grown. I’ve been getting used to it and enjoying it more the longer I stay on it. Master doesn’t want me drinking cum anymore though, as it’s not on my diet. It’s been difficult to get used to pulling back instead of pushing forward when I feel like a man’s going to cum. This also generally means washing after blowjobs, since the cum often winds up on my face or tits. Is it just me, or does water make it even stickier and harder to get off?

My boss was a bit confused by this, and for the first time asked me a question about my sexual behavior. The conversation was something like this: “It’s kinda messy when you pull out like that. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather swallow it?” “Cum isn’t part of my diet anymore.” “Oh. Any reason?” “That’s what Master told me. “Master who?” “Mark. You know, the guy I’ve been dating him for two and a half years now.” “Oh. I guess that explains the collar then.” nod “Does he know about us?” “Yes. It was him that wanted me to continue with you, so I do.” “Oh. Well… Okay then. You should probably go wash up before you drip.” nod and turn to go into the bathroom

My boss hasn’t wanted a blowjob since, but still fucks me, usually once per workday. Occasionally a second time. He’s gotten a little rougher too. I’ve been wearing my hair in a pony tail, making it a natural handle, and there’ve been a few slaps on the ass, but not as hard or as much as Master does. If my boss asked questions that led to the more serious stuff, like vore, I’d avoid telling him the truth, but as-is, I don’t see the harm in saying as much as I have.

Master had both John and Steve come over one time, and I took one of them in each hole. That’s only happened once so far. It was kinda weird feeling the pressure from both sides of whatever’s between my ass and cunt. It felt great though.

I’ve been tied up plenty more times in a bunch of different positions. Master slaps not only my ass now, but my tits and cunt as well now. Being more sensitive, it hurts more, and I’m enjoying the tenderizing. He doesn’t slap my cunt as hard or nearly as much, but I don’t think he’s able to get me at a good angle for it. He wants to do something more, but he doesn’t want to pierce my skin or create any permanent marks (“at least not yet”, as he put it). Whips don’t really appeal to either of us, so that’s out. John has joined in with this, slapping one end of me when I’m on the frame Master made while Master slaps the other.

Someone online suggested clamps as a way to add more pain without marking or breaking the skin in any way. We tried clothespins first. They hurt, but when he pulled on them, they pulled off. So he bought nipple clamps which arrived yesterday. They’re connected by a chain. These hurt about the same, but when he pulls on the chain, they stay in place. Pulling my tits tightly by the nipples also hurts more, especially around the base of the tit, which is certainly a lot of fun.

He’s also tried fucking my cunt after slapping it a bunch to make it red and sensitive. He did that while pulling the chain for the nipple clamps. The added pain in both my tits and cunt was great. It was a bit difficult as first for him to choke me while doing this, until he realized to slip his arm under the chain to reach my throat, and pull the chain with his other hand for leverage.

Sex on Jan 23rd started awkward for me. Master invited John and Jess both over for a foursome. I found out when they got here. I like surprises though, so that’s not what was awkward for me. I’ve never had another girl involved in sex, and never thought about having one involved. Also, John and Jess are not a bdsm couple, they’re a normal couple. John’s been involved with Master and I before, but Jess doesn’t know that. Jess knows we’re a bit kinky, but but barely knows what sorta stuff we do. She’s seen my stories and my collar, but not my blog. When she asked about the collar a while ago, I told her it was “just a kink thing Mark and I are doing” or something like that.

It started off with John and Jess together and Master and I together. I was a bit tense about having Jess there. Master didn’t hurt me much during foreplay either. I don’t think I would’ve been receptive to it anyway while I was so tense and distracted. After playing with my nipples a bit and feeling my dry cunt, he grabbed my neck and turned my head to face him (I was watching John and Jess), looked me in the eyes and whispered “Focus and relax”. That pushed me into subspace, so I was okay to continue.

After that fuck, we took a break to eat. The three of them had pork chops. I had a salad (my diet, if you remember). This led to a few jokes about eating me. Everyone there knew my fetish already, so I was fine with this, and it made Jess being there a bit easier. She even said to Master “That must be why you have her wear a collar. It’s like she’s livestock.”

After we ate, we swapped. Master was fucking Jess. John was fucking me. John slapped my ass plenty of times while he was fucking it, something I don’t think Jess lets him do with her. Then, I felt a slap that wasn’t as hard from hand that felt smaller. Jess had reached over and slapped my ass. That surprised me. I looked at her, and then up at Master. They were both grinning. Then she did it again. I did tense up a bit at first from that, but I focused, like Master said to do, and relaxed myself. I think he’s trying to train me to focus like this. I think that might be the point.

Over all, both fucks were much less extreme than usual. No choking, slaps only on my ass, no bondage, ect… But Master had found something that brought me just outside my comfort zone. That’s certainly a D/s thing to do, I think. There’s a lot he could’ve done that would’ve made it much worse, but he left it right at the border line there, which was good.

After that, it seemed like we were done. The guys were a bit tired. Then, Jess did something I completely didn’t expect. “Mark, may I use your livestock?” He took a few seconds, looking at me and looking at her, then replied “Just don’t leave any marks.” So now, I was under Jess’s control. Pleasing men, I’m good at. But I’m completely straight. Pleasing another girl isn’t something I’ve ever even thought about before. Jess took the dildo she got me for Christmas (10” smooth metal dildo. Looks like the end of a spit.) and pushed it in my cunt as far as it would go. She made sure it was snug and put a strip of duct tape over it to hold it there, pressing it against my cervix. (I’ve been using tape to hold tampons in, since I can’t wear panties, but those don’t usually press against my cervix like this. I used to use medical tape, but switched to duct tape when I ran out of it.) She slapped my ass a few times and told me where on her to do what with my mouth. Suck, lick, tongue flick, and so on. I wound up eating her out. Master and John were enjoying this show. I wasn’t attracted to Jess at all, but doing something that turns the guys on turned me on, if that makes sense. Also, it felt like I was partly spitted the whole time from the dildo. The guys eventually joined in. Mark in my ass and John in Jess’s mouth, while I was still eating Jess out.

I certainly feel closer to Jess than I did before. I also don’t feel as bad about her boyfriend being so involved in my sex life.

Master told me a week before the end of January that if I am to stay collared passed the end of January, that I’m to quit my job. He recommended that I take a few vacation days meanwhile, so I get an idea what it’s like. It’s part of the choice he’s giving me, and this month is supposed to be to make sure that I fully understand what I’m giving him. So for the past few days, I’ve been using vacation days. Monday night’s the big night.

The first day was kinda boring. I was real horny because I was used to being fucked. I wound up cleaning up around the house. Also I had more time to think.

January has only been a trial month because Master didn’t want to commit to this right away. It’s really a trial month for us both. This makes it seem to me like he could be a little uneasy about owning me. I don’t want to quit my job and then find out that February’s going to just be another trial month like January’s been. I also don’t want to be going along, thinking this is a good, permanent arrangement, and then suddenly he gets cold feet about it and frees me, a few months or even a couple years from now. So before I quit my job, I want him to do something to to let me know that he’s sure enough.

I don’t have anything specific in mind. Branding me, or even just tagging me might work. I just want something to let me know how serious he is. Then I’ll do anything for him, including quitting my job.

I discussed this with Master, and he seems to understand. He says that those same thoughts are why he chose to have a trial month of owning me before fully accepting my gift to him. He didn’t want to really get into it, and then have me realize that it’s more than I thought and not what I want, with my body and mind both full of scars for the rest of my life. Master also pointed out that he’s not asking me to hand over any bank accounts or anything. He’s paying for everything, so I shouldn’t need money, but as he put it “It’s a good idea for everyone to have an emergency fund, even if they’re collared fuckmeat 24/7.”

So he’s said that, if I decide to remain collared, he’ll do something to show me how sure he is before expecting me to quit my job.

On the 28th, John and Jess both happened to be home. Jess works as a lifeguard and they don’t have as many there at a time during the winter because less people go to the beach, so she has had Fridays off for a while. John works somewhere selling furniture, and his shifts change every week. So Master lent me to them for the day (and that night).

At one point, John fucked my ass while Jess had me eating her out, but they mostly fucked each other. They had me cook for them a few times, bring the food to them, and stay on my hands and knees with the plates on my back while they knelt on either side to eat. And, of course, I was slapped all over throughout the day. At first, Jess didn’t slap all that hard, and only slapped my ass, but by the end of the day, Jess was slapping almost as hard as John does, and doing it to my thighs, tits, cunt, belly, wherever she wanted. A book was also used on my ass at some point. It hurt a lot more.

They looked for rope and couldn’t find any. Jess said something while pulling on my nipples about it being too bad that they can’t use fishhooks. I’ve seen videos of women getting hooks/needles/nails/wire through their tits or cunt and imagined that happening to me, which I think would be sexy.

That night, they had me sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed. After breakfast, they returned me to Master, and of course I told him everything that happened when he asked. He bought a paddle online today.

Master came home early on the 31st. It turns out he had taken the day off from work and was picking up a few things. When he got home, he took my collar off and dropped it right in the trash. That was devastating to me. How could he not want me anymore? But just as I start crying, looking at the garbage pail, I hear him say “Sarah?”. I turn to look and he’s down on one knee, holding a new collar. The old one was really just a cheap dog collar. This one is made for a human. It’s about 3/4”, black leather with a D ring that hangs down from the bottom of the front. It’s got seven blue gems of my favorite shade of blue, the largest in the middle just above the D ring, and going down in size in both directions. “Will you marry me?”

I was so excited, and I still am. We’re getting married. (Of course I said yes.) I’m also going to continue to be his livestock slave. He put the collar around my neck and it fit perfectly. Tight enough to stay against the skin, but not tight enough to choke me. Later he explained that after two and a half years of choking me regularly, he knows the size of my neck very well.

Then, he took me out to a tattoo/piercing place. He took out a tag that said “Grade A Prime” on it, just like in all the Dolcett artwork. Master started to explain to the guy what he wanted, but the guy said that he’s had this same request a few years ago. He also explained that because the tag’s band is thicker, that a standard piercing won’t work. He would have to use a “dermal punch” which actually removes a very small circle from my labia. Master asked to keep the small circle, which he chewed on and swallowed after we left, after which he called me a “sweet girl”. Of course, my cunt was soaked throughout all of this. I nearly came when Master put that tiny dot of flesh that was once part of my left outer labia into his mouth. I really want to take the gauze off and look at just the tag, but I know better than that.

Here’s a picture from the internet of someone else with a similar tag (Not me): http://www.mukiskitchen.com/mukifree-348.jpg

After we got back, we dressed nicely and he took me out to eat. Of course, I was still restricted by my diet, but he found a nice restaurant that used locally grown fruits and vegetables, so I was able to have salad. When I first started wearing a collar, I did notice that I’d get a few odd looks. With this collar, I don’t seem to be getting them anymore.

Back at home again, he tied me to the frame and tried out his new paddle on my ass. It hurt enough that when he fucked me afterward, my ass would hurt with each thrust. He slapped my tits before using the nipple clamps, and kept them pulled through most of the fucking. With the pain in my asscheeks and tits, the pain in my cunt from the piercing didn’t feel as bad. Not that I really minded it to begin with. The pain reminds me that the tag is there, and being a tagged meatgirl turns me on so much! And of course, when I was near climax, he choked me to give me a bigger climax, like always. It was great!

Master’s sleeping now. I will be giving my boss my two weeks notice tomorrow morning. He’s gonna be real disappointed. Not only am I leaving, but he can’t even fuck my cunt for a few days because of the piercing.

I’m not sure how the actual wedding will go. Most of my friends planned out their ideal weddings a long time ago. I never did. Also, if I was given an engagement collar, do I get a wedding collar? Or a wedding ring? Or a wedding leash? Or what? It might be a little weird for my grandma to watch my Master put a collar on me. Is it even going to be a ceremony like that? I mean, I’m not Christian. I’m Agnostic. I think my parents are Christian. They baptized me, at least, but we never went to church since except for weddings or funerals. Religion’s not a topic that ever came up with Master, so I don’t know what religion he is, if any. Also, am I making wedding decisions? Usually the bride does, but I’m owned. Does that change anything? Obviously I’ll ask him about these things. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

NEXT POST

When changing the gauze on my tag this morning, it was clean, so I didn’t put new gauze on. Now I feel the full weight of the tag. I can hear the sound of jingling metal as I walk. I can feel it hit against my leg. Just the simple act of walking is now a constant reminder of what I am. I’m meat. That’s all I am. That’s all that matters.

My boss tried to fuck my cunt today, now that it’s free of the gauze, but said the metal made it feel too weird for him, so he fucked my ass instead. He’s been fucking me 3-4 times a day now. Sometimes he’ll even continue working while he does. I can’t imagine that he’s getting much done like that though. He also got to read the tag now (since it’s no longer covered in gauze). He looked like he was going to say something, but he didn’t. He just seemed confused by it.

As for the wedding, neither of us are Christian, but our parents all are. So we’re going to have a normal wedding in a church with rings, planned by me, paid for by my dad. My friends are helping me plan it. They’ve been sending me all sorts of information to look through, making suggestions, and really making this a lot easier for me. I obviously can’t wear a white wedding dress, so I have to pick another color.

Chatting online, someone suggested having it in a meat freezer, with a butcher instead of a priest. Have me brought to Master while I’m hanging up on a hook, upside down. I would love to do that far more. It’s also a lot more appropriate since all I am is meat. Unfortunately, that’s just not a possibility.

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While I was at work, I got a text from Master saying that a package arrived from UPS, and to boil the contents of it when I got home for a couple minutes, then lay it on a clean towel to dry.

So, when I got home, I did so. The package had a dozen needles in it, about 4” each.

When Master got home, he tied me to the bondage frame and put the towel with the needles nearby. It was pretty obvious to me by that point what he was going to do.

Then he got an ice cube and started rubbing it on one of my nipples. After a while of this I got cold enough to lose a little feeling in the nipple.

He picked up one of the needles and brought it near my cold nipple. He hesitated. He pulled on the nipple and aimed the needle. I was waiting for it, but he aimed again. He kept changing his angle and his grip a bunch of times.

When he finally pushed it through, my nipple had warmed up and he was supporting my tit with his hand, not touching my nipple.

He seemed to have just as much difficulty pushing a needle through the other nipple. He also iced that one first, but again, it warmed up before he actually pushed the needle through.

Having something through my meat like that is a very different feeling. The type of pain is different and stronger, but also just the knowledge that my meat has something pushed through it. That pain made me feel more like meat than any of the tenderizing Master’s ever done. Like, you don’t cut a person. You cut meat. I know it’s not really a cut. It’s more like a piercing. I guess the meat’s under the skin, and other pain I’ve gotten was only on the surface. (Except my tag, of course, but that already felt special for other reasons.)

He took a step back and looked at me. Then he stepped back over and pulled the needles out. He cleaned and bandaged the wounds.

Something felt wrong to me. Master hesitated a lot to put the needles in. He only left them in for a few seconds. He made no comments about the needle play. He actually didn’t say anything the whole time. Afterward, he paddled and fucked my ass, and choked me, still without a word.

There’s usually all sorts of comments about me being meat. Whether it’s how parts of me will be cooked or how I’ll taste, or about snuffing me, there’s usually something.

I don’t know if he had a problem with piercing me or what. I mean, it’s possible that he was just being cautious with the needles, making sure to be precise and push through only the nipples. It’s also possible that he was just too tired to talk or trying something new by not talking or something. I just don’t know. I really hope he uses the needles again though.

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I spoke with Master this morning about what happened. He said that he enjoyed it, but somehow felt physically cold while he was using the needles on me, and it scared him. He couldn’t explain it any better than that, so I asked around in a few chatrooms for other people’s opinions of what this could mean. People said that it could mean he’s afraid he might injure me accidentally, he’s squeemish, he’s afraid he might go too far, this is more power than he’s used to or he’s lying about enjoying it.

These all seem unlikely to me. For being squeemish, he watched me get a dermal punch, and even swallowed the small circle of flesh removed. This time was just a 25 gauge needle being pushed through my nipples. It’s not even near anything major. Also, why would he lie? I belong to him. His opinion is more important, and he knows I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. He also knows that there’s plenty of other things we could do if he doesn’t like this. The others all seem unlikely too. He always looks up all the safety, and has been choking me regularly. That’s complete power right there, and one of the biggest accidental causes of death for people in bdsm.

So I discussed it with him some more, mentioning those possibilities, and it turns out that two of those were right. This was the first time he was hurting me under the skin. The first time touching my actual meat. He watched the dermal punch, but didn’t use it himself. A professional did. And he had also liked that little circle of flesh a little more than he’s comfortable with. So he felt the absolute power that he really has over me, and has had over me all this time. He felt the fact that I was just meat, and was afraid that he could act on it some day in the future. Not soon, but if this continues, it would eventually be possible, and he doesn’t want it to be. Basically, he just cares about me.

He’s also going to slow down a bit, making sure that we’re both (he’s) completely comfortable before trying anything new. I don’t want to push him into going faster than he’s comfortable with going. Waiting for him like this can be masochism too.

I’ve shown him some vids on Motherless of other women getting needles and hooks and wire pushed though their bodies in much worse ways to help desensitize him to this act, and he thinks he’ll be better about it next time. He definitely wants to try again though. I’ve let him know though that if he ever feels uncomfortable, for any reason, with what he’s doing to me, to just stop and put it off for another time. Even if we’ve just started. A Dom can have limits and need to safeword occasionally too, right?

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Yesterday Master brought me to a Super Bowl party at John and Jess’s. (Steve and Jacob were there. It went pretty much the way you can guess it went.) When we were home later, Master and I were talking.

Being food is something that’s always been a part of me. At first, when I was a little girl, it was just a fantasy. It became a kink eventually, then a fetish, then a want, and now a need. My need to be eaten has gotten strong enough at this point that, really, the fact that I gave myself to Master is what’s keeping me alive right now. My body isn’t mine to cut, cook or give away, so I can’t satisfy this need, which leaves me constantly wanting more. I’ve gotten a LOT of offers online, without even having a pic, and some of these offers have been VERY tempting, but I’m owned meat.

Sometimes, after I write, I don’t need to be eaten as much, but I’m having trouble thinking up the next story. (Sorry, I know it’s been a while.) Basically I release my need into the fiction.

Master finds the idea of eating me to be very kinky, but it’s not a full fetish for him. He also thinks that I’m reaching a point of unhealthy obsession. He’s making me go see a psychologist. He’s set up an appointment, and has commanded me, as my Master, to tell them about all of this. I really don’t want to, but I must obey.

I know he just cares about me. He cares too much, really.

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I think part of the reason I was sent to a psychologist is because of an issue my Master has. He said that he enjoyed the dot of my flesh from the tag a bit more than he’s comfortable with. He also said that, after going from a normal relationship to needle play in just under three months, where would we be in another three? I think he’s more worried about his own self control and is pushing this fear onto me.

I told that to the psychologist. I also told her pretty much everything else. She asked for links to the stories and blog, which I gave her. Most of what’s in the blog is stuff I already told her though.

The good news: She doesn’t medicate anyone. So she’s not going to taint my meat with pills. The bad news: She doesn’t want me coming to any fetish websites anymore. My Master has told me to do as she says. As far as I know, this is a hiatus, which will start tomorrow night. so I’ll see you all whenever this is all over.