"The Critic" by Magic

The Critic

Chapter 1

Chef Mattie looked out from the kitchen to her nearly empty restaurant and was concerned. This time of the year the place was usually full. The economic problems in the country were really affected peoples ability to dine out she knew. She understood all this by watching the news but it did not make the emptiness of her cash register feel any better.

Mattie had opened her restaurant five years ago and it was an instant success. She had a gimmick which no other restaurant in the area or the country for what she knew had. She would serve any dish requested by a patron at least 24 hours in advance. Sometimes very exotic things were requested such as Kangaroo or a fish that could be only caught in certain parts of the planet. No matter the request, Mattie made it happen for a price.

But now that money was tight, there were not many requests. The diners that were coming in were looking for specials and even had the nerve to ask her if she had any coupons! There were a few times she had the desire to throw some of these people out, but she needed the money and bit her lip.

Mattie’s restaurant had only 20 tables and because of money, she now only had one employee, Laura. Laura wore several hats for Mattie, hostess, waitress, bus girl and assistant chef. Laura was real loyal to Mattie and even waited to get paid when needed. Laura was a beautiful girl from Romania. She was 5 4” tall about 125 pounds, long dark blonde hair. She was twenty-five years old. Many times Mattie tried to talk Laura into going into acting or modeling, but Laura preferred to stay with Mattie.

Chef Mattie was 35 years of age and had an incredible figure. Quite unusual for a chef! She was 5 3”, Chestnut hair, and 130 pounds with an hour glass figure. She was a joyful lady and she and Mattie had a great relationship.

Mattie watched as Laura hustled her blue jean clad backside around the dining room serving the five tables that were occupied with great precision. The waitresses used to wear tight black skirt sets, but Mattie could not longer afford to have the outfits cleaned. Mattie herself hardly ever wore chef’s clothes anymore instead opting for her own blue jeans.

How much longer could she stay in business? She did not know but likely not much longer at this rate. She could hardly afford to pay Laura now. She would have to talk to her at the end of the shift tonight.

Mattie closed the kitchen door and picked up a copy of the local newspaper. Apparently Laura had been reading it because she had an article’s title circle. It was a column by a writer called The Critic. Mattie had read this garbage before. The Critic was a woman (if you could call her that), who went to different restaurants critiquing everything from the food to the service. Mattie could not remember ever seeing a positive review. This person seemed to get-off on trashing restaurants. Not that trashing them was necessarily a bad thing.

It seemed that even though The Critic would say bad things about an establishment, her presence in the place automatically opened up a revenue stream for the operation. People knew that The Critic would never have anything nice to say so they discounted her critique. Unfortunately for Mattie, she was a proud woman and would not have this person at her restaurant.

A few years back when business was still going well, The Critic had called to make arrangements to review the restaurant and Mattie refused. Mattie would not have this hack destroy her reputation. The Critic in return wrote up a small piece asking what did Chef Mattie owner and head chef of “We Serve Anything” have to hide? Actually there was a little boost form The Critic’s article.

Mattie knew the reason Laura had circled the article was so that Mattie would call The Critic up. No, that was not going to happen; Mattie was way too proud for that. She put the newspaper down and started to clean the pots and pans from this evening’s creations.

Laura came into the kitchen about then and said in her somewhat heavy east European accent “table three ordered a piece of cheesecake. With Strawberries on top! I charged them two dollars for the berries!”

Mattie looked somewhat displeased and said “Laura, you know I do not charge for the strawberries, they are complementary.”

“But you have to bring in money, Mattie. I was just trying to help,” said Laura.

“Come here,” said Mattie opening up her arms. Laura ran into Mattie’s outstretched arms and accepted the affection from this woman she admired so.

“You are a good girl,” said Mattie. “You have been real loyal to me and I owe you much. If we ever get out of this mess, I am going to give you part of the restaurant. You deserve it and I want you to have it.”

Laura had tears in her eye “You gave me a chance when nobody else would, I will always be in your debt. I will do anything for you Mattie.”

“You better wipe your eyes Laura and get that cheesecake out to table three,” said Mattie.

Laura did as Mattie requested. While she was slicing the cheesecake, she saw that the newspaper she had been reading had been moved. She asked Mattie “Did you see the article I circled for you?”

“Yes Laura, I did. But you know how I feel about that woman. She will never enter my restaurant and criticize what she has no knowledge of.”

“But Mattie, her articles bring lots of customers to restaurants. We need customers now more than ever. I think you really need to think about this some. Please for me, just give it some thought,” said Laura.

Mattie took a deep breath and sighed, “Alright for you I will think about it, but I can tell you now the answer is going to be no.”

This response was a lot for Mattie. When she made her mind up about something she was very hard to convince otherwise. Laura knew if she said she would think about it, she would. It would not make any sense to push the conversation any further now.

Laura changed the subject “Oh by the way, there is a woman sitting at table one who would like to speak to you. She was a little creepy for me and I said I would see if you would come out to see her. She said no that she would rather speak with you alone in the kitchen. Most likely want to give you her compliments. She ordered the roast suckling pig and I swear almost ate the whole thing! A skinny woman with quite a huge appetite!”

Mattie really was not in the mood to give a tour of the kitchen but she needed return business and did not want to get any customer mad right now. She said “Ok, send her in.”

A few minutes later a tall skinny woman with long black hair wearing a tight black dress entered the kitchen. She was approximately 30 years old. As soon as Mattie saw this woman she immediately thought of Morticia form the Adams Family. She stuck out her hand for Mattie to shake and said “Hello, my name is Miss Nora Finch and I wanted to tell you that your food is wonderful!”

“Thank you Miss Finch, I am Mattie, the head chef and proprietor of “We Serve Anything.”

“What a wonderful name!” said Miss Finch, “That is exactly why I chose your place to dine tonight. I had called ahead and asked for something special and your scrumptious assistant told me that it would be no problem. I must say the suckling pig was delicious, though not exactly what I had ordered.”

“Oh, I am sorry Miss Finch, when Laura gave me the order I thought that was what you wanted. She said that you desired a long suckling pig. We looked at the meat market for just the right pig for you and found that little one, though it was quite long bodied as I thought you wanted.” Said Mattie.

Miss Finch gave out a little cackle almost like a witch. This laugh made Mattie shiver some. “It was truly wonderful, though as I mentioned, not exactly what I had in mind. What I was looking for was longpig.”

“Longpig? I do not think I have ever heard of that,” said Mattie.

“Well never the mind,” said Miss Finch. “I will have to keep searching for a local restaurant that serves this heavenly dish.”

Mattie said “Please accept my apologies! Of course there will be no charge for the meal.”

“Don’t be silly, I will pay in full for that fantastic meal.” Miss Finch went to her wallet and laid out $1,000 on the counter.

Mattie said “Miss Finch that is way too much money! The pig only will be $50.00.”

“Nonsense, that wonderful meal was worth quite a bit more.” Miss Finch left the $1,000 on the counter and started walking out of the kitchen. Before she left she turned and said “I was really looking forward to a longpig meal. If it happens you can make this wonderful dish for me, I will pay $50,000 cash.”

“$50,000? Oh my, that is a lot of money. Let me look up the dish and see what can be done,” said Mattie.

Just then Laura walked back into the kitchen carrying a tray with some dishes. She walked past Miss Finch and Mattie. Miss Finch watched as Laura’s Jeans moved with her ass as she walked by. She said “Yes please read up on this wonderful dish. I really think you will not have to look far for your meat.”

With that Miss Finch handed Mattie her telephone number and turned and left the kitchen.

Mattie wondered: what did she mean I would not have to look far for the meat? Oh well, here was $1,000! “Look Laura, we have some money!”

Laura saw and the two hugged and danced around the kitchen. Mattie took $500 that she needed to pay some bills and placed it in her left pocket. She took another hundred and placed it in her right. She then handed $400 to Laura.

Laura said “What is this for?”

“Because earlier tonight I thought I would no longer be able to afford to pay you. You are my sunshine Laura and I could not run this place without you! I want to make sure you are paid!” said Mattie.

Laura looked at the money and said “Thank you Mattie, but I would work for you for nothing! I would do anything for you!”

To be continued…

Chapter 2

The Critic’s name was Darlene March. She had worked for the local newspaper for ten years first as a runner then later as a reporter. She used to do hard news stories until the paper decided there was more money in soft fluffy items. For reasons Darlene could not fathom, she was selected to be the restaurant critic. She had known nothing about food except that the Whopper was served at Burger King and the Big Mac at McDonalds.

What surprised her the most was she had one of the most popular features in the paper. Over the years she found that her reviews gave her tremendous power over the fate of a restaurant. But it was not what she said, which was almost always bad, it was if she named the restaurant at all. As soon as she would visit an eating establishment, the lines would start going out the door!

It had become her style to always find the “hair in the egg” so to speak about each restaurant. This seemed to please her readers well enough as they could go to the establishment and know what not to order or what problems to look for. The problem with her style was it offended many of the chefs and owners of the establishment. More than one had threatened to toss her into to a hot oven or boil her in oil when the reviews came out. Bottom line was she was successful and she would not change her style.

There were a few restaurants that refused to even let her set foot into their establishments. The chefs in these places had huge egos and refused to allow their names to be besmirched in the press. Their loss, thought Darlene.

When Darlene got out of bed this morning, she had a strange feeling that today would be an interesting one. She had an appointment to go to P.F. Chang and she also had to stop by the paper. She had intuitions like any woman, but hers were on overload this morning.

Darlene showered, put on makeup and got dressed. When she went to review a restaurant, she generally dresses to the style of the place. PF Chang’s was and American-Chinese mid priced place so she decided to wear a blue blazer over tight blue jeans and leather boots.

Darlene was nearly 35 years old but looked fantastic for her age. Even though she ate a lot, she managed to keep her figure on the “Well-rounded” side but certainly not fat. Many people commented that she resembled Rachael Ray. As a matter of fact, she was often confused for her when she was reviewing a restaurant.

She was just about to leave her home when her cell phone rang. She picked it up and said “Hello?”

“Hello, Darlene?”

“Yes, hey Kristie what’s cooking?” said Darlene recognizing the voice of her assistant.

“You’re cooking Darlene! Your articles are the hit of the paper!” said Kristie.

“Oh, you flatter me to much,” said Darlene.

“Listen Darlene, I have some great news for you. Remember that restaurant you wanted to review “We Serve Anything”? Well I received a call this morning from a Laura who spoke with an Eastern European accent who apparently works there. She said she wanted to surprise the owner and have you come in tomorrow night and review the restaurant.”

“Hmm, must be suffering for business,” said Darlene “but who cares anyhow, I just want to see if the really serve anything! It would be great to put in my review that I ordered something they simply could not serve! Give me this Laura’s number and let me call her.”

So Kristie gave Darlene the telephone number and they said goodbye and Darlene ended the call.

This will make a great review and story, thought Darlene. “We Serve Anything – What They Do Not Serve!” would be the title of her piece. Here would be one restaurant that she could really ruin without much work. Her negative review would be treated as just that.

Darlene quickly punched Laura’s number into her cell phone and let it started to ring.

“Hello?” said Laura in her heavy accented voice.

“Hello Laura, this is The Critic from The Daily Paper, how are you?”

“Fine, so nice of you to call me back so quickly! I am interested in surprising our head chef, Mattie with one of your reviews. Would you be so kind as to come to the restaurant tomorrow night and sample our food?” asked Laura.

“Let me ask you a question Laura; the concept of your restaurant is you serve anything a person might order am I correct?” asked Darlene.

“Yes, that is 100% correct. But we require 24 hour notice for exotic dishes. This is why I asked you to review the restaurant tomorrow night instead of tonight. You can order anything you like and I guarantee we will have it for you tomorrow evening,” said Laura.

“What a great concept! But I am surprised and stunned that you could have anything I could possibly want to eat ready for me tomorrow. What if I was to order something like seal scaloppini or monkey brains? Would you be able to have those exotic meats for me tomorrow night?” asked Darlene.

“Oh yes,” said Laura “Anything.”

“Well, I will be more than happy to come and review the restaurant tomorrow night!” said Darlene.

Laura said “Ok great! What would you like the chef to prepare for you?”

Darlene knew this question would be coming next and she was well prepared for the answer. You see when she originally wanted to review the restaurant, she decided that she would ask for a dish that the chef could not possibly make. It would be something so controversial that it could not be mentioned in print, but without lying, she could honestly say that what she had requested was not available.

“Laura, I want something that finding the meat will not be a problem. The problem will be if the chef agrees to make it or not,” said Darlene.

“Oh I am certain chef Mattie will agree to make anything you request,” responded Laura.

“Well do not be so certain. Laura I want Chef Mattie to cook and serve a woman,” said Darlene.

There was silence for a minute on the receiver. Finally Laura started to laugh “You have a great sense of humor! Please tell me what you really want to have Chef Mattie make.”

“I am not kidding Laura. I want her to cook and serve a woman. The restaurant clearly advertises that it we serve anything and a woman fits into the category of anything. Now if the chef cannot or will not make this dish for me, I will have to report in my paper about the false advertising. I am sure that will help business,” said Darlene.

Laura sounded frustrated and said “But you must be kidding! Chef Mattie would never hurt another human being she is far too kind.”

“I am sorry Laura, but that it the only way. No if you do not mind, I have to end this call as I have a prior commitment to review another restaurant. So just to finalize things, I can count on my woman being served at say… 7pm tomorrow night?”

Laura needed time to think this thing through and did not want tomorrow’s paper with an article spelling out the false advertisement of the restaurant. Boy was Mattie right about this… it was a bad idea. Laura said hesitantly “Well if you insist your girl will be served at 7pm tomorrow.”

Now Darlene was at a loss for words. She never expected Laura to take her order. There would be some kind of a trick involved here and she would have to find out what it was. Dishonesty was very bad for a restaurant. She said “Fine then, I will see you at 7pm tomorrow.”

Laura said “Oh there is just one more thing, how would you like your girl prepared?”

Now Darlene was thrown off track yet again. Maybe she should back off this ridiculous request. No she would see it through and find out what would happen. She knew today was going to be interesting and so far had proven to be so. How did cannibals prepare meat? Hmm she had seen some cannibal movies and cartoons and they were usually cooked in big stewing pots… oh how she loathed stew! No that would not do. Baked in an oven? No, cannibals usually did not have GE appliances in the jungle. Spit Roasted! Yes that was the way just like a barbequed pig! She had seen several cannibal movies like that. She said “I want the girl roasted on a spit, a real traditional cannibal cookout!”

“Fine,” said Laura without hesitation and hug up the phone.

As soon as they hung up Darlene knew that they would try and get away serving some pork or other meat and pretend it was a woman. This would not happen as Darlene planned on being in the kitchen to observe the entire process. There was not way they were going to put one over on The Critic.

To be continued…

Chapter 3

After Laura hung up the telephone she wished she was back in Romania! This would ruin Mattie for sure! She was going to be in so much trouble that Chef Mattie would most like end up roasting her on the spit! Wait a minute… that was the answer! She would tell Chef Mattie that she would volunteer to be the girl roasted for The Critic. Obviously she did not want to be cooked for real but if The Critic was able to see her on the spit, maybe she would believe it was real.

They would substitute her for other roasted meat but how would she and Mattie pull off the switch? What if The Critic insisted in seeing her cooked through the whole preparation? These were things she would have to work out with Mattie if she agreed with the plan.

Laura looked at her clock and it was almost 10am. She needed to get to the restaurant before noon so that she could help Mattie prepare this evening’ meals. She showered and dressed in a pair of tight jeans and a green t-shirt. She also placed a white button down shirt in her bag to change when she would serve tonight.

When she arrived at the restaurant, Mattie was already starting to prepare the food for tonight. They hugged and Mattie had Laura start to peel onions and chop carrots. One of the items on tonight’s menu was Possum stew with carrots and onions.

Laura said “It is a disgusting looking creature.”

“Yes,” agreed Mattie.

“I guess some people have real strange tastes,” said Laura.

“You do not know the half of it! Do you remember the lady who wanted to meet me last night?” asked Mattie.

“Yes, she looked like a witch! We have stories about her kind in Romania!”

“Well I do not know if she was a witch or not but you will never believe what she asked me to make for her,” said Mattie.

Laura was interested “Tell me.”

“Longpig,” said Mattie.

“What’s that?” asked Laura.

“I did not know until I looked it up last night. It is what cannibals call human beings.”

Laura stared at Mattie and asked “She is a cannibal?”

“I am not really sure but it would appear that way. I really want to believe she was kidding especially the way she looked at you when you walked by, but I do not know. Would you believe she wanted to pay me $50,000?”

“$50,000? All your problems would be resolved!” said Laura.

“Are you crazy? I am not going to cook anybody; that would be murder! No Miss Finch or whatever her name is will have to go someplace else for her culinary desires. Now hurry up and chop those carrots before I reconsider and cook you for Miss Finch!” said Mattie as she pinched Laura’s ass.

Laura resumed chopping the carrots and onions. She almost could not believe how coincidental this was! She also did not think Mattie could know what good luck this was for her. Maybe Laura could make sure that Mattie was able to have $50,000 in the bank and the restaurant would have continuous business with a good review!

Mattie and Laura worked together until about 2pm when Mattie announced that she was going shopping for supplies for tomorrow’s diners. Laura would stay as she always did to answer the telephone to take reservations.

As soon a Mattie left the restaurant, Laura searched her boss’ desk to see if Miss Finch’s number was there. She hoped Mattie did not toss it out and to her luck it was there!

Laura dialed the number and as she hoped Miss Finch picked up the telephone.

“Miss Finch?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“This is Laura from “We Serve Anything” How are you?”

“Much better now that you called,” said Miss Finch.

“I understand from Chef Mattie that you were interested in a special dish,” said Laura.

“Oh yes, Longpg!” said Miss Finch.

“I also understand from Mattie that you might have taken a fancy to one particular longpig, which would be me,” said Laura.

Miss Finch did not answer at first and then said “Well I must say that you look like you would be absolutely scrumptious my dear!”

“Thank you I guess. I would like to make a deal with you Miss Finch.”

“What do you have in mind?” asked Miss Finch.

“I will agree to allow you to have me for your dinner if the offer of $50,000 still is good. You will need to deposit it into Mattie’s bank account so I can verify it is there. Once I know that it is there, I will allow you to cook me and eat me for your dinner,” said Laura.

“Will Chef Mattie go along with this?” asked Miss Finch.

“Oh, I think I can convince her, but as I said the money will need to be deposited into the bank first.” said Laura.

“No, unfortunately my dear, I cannot do that. If I was to deposit the money and Chef Mattie and/or you were to renege on our agreement I would be out $50,000. No you would have to be served first,” said Miss Finch.

Damn thought Laura, this would not work out the way she thought. “But Miss Finch, I know Mattie’s is very honest and she certainly will deliver if she promises.”

“No dear, I am sorry, but Chef Mattie will have to prepare and cook you first, only then will I deposit the $50,000,” Miss Finch said and Laura heard the receiver click.

Laura could not believe it. She almost had resolved all of Chef Mattie’s problems but it was not to be. No in order for this all to work she and Chef Mattie would have to figure out how to make this look as real as possible and hope both Miss Finch and The Critic would buy it.

The telephone rang and Laura picked it up “We Serve Anything, Laura speaking might I help you?”

Laura immediately heard crying on the other end of the telephone… it was Mattie. “Laura, we have problems.”

“What is the matter Mattie?” asked Laura.

“I just stopped at the bank to give Ms. Itou some money toward the not on the restaurant and she would not accept it. She said the bank was going to foreclose unless we paid off the loan.”

“Oh my god!” said Laura.

“Yes, I do not think there is anything else we can do. I think we are out of business,” said Chef Mattie.

“How much do you need to payoff the note?” asked Laura.

“Around $50,000.” answered Mattie.

Laura knew where Mattie could get the $50,000 and most likely so did Mattie. She said “Look Mattie, please come back so we can talk. I think there is a solution to your problem.”

Mattie was silent on the other end of the telephone for a minute and then said “I know what you are thinking and I am not going to do that. I would rather go get a job at Arby’s serving roast beef sandwiches.”

Laura said “This is not the time to discuss this. Let’s do it in person. Hurry and buy your supplies and come back and we can talk. Maybe there are ways this can be done without anyone being hurt.”

“Do you think so?” asked Chef Mattie.

Laura was not sure but she hoped she and Mattie could figure something out. “Maybe,” she answered.

“You are the best Laura, I do not know what I would do without you,” said Mattie and she hung up the phone.

Laura turned and looked at the spit hanging over the huge hearth in the kitchen. She was now pretty sure that one way or another she would be roasted on it tomorrow for both Miss Finch and for The Critic. She hoped it would be just a show and not for real.

To be continued…

Chapter 4

Nora Finch was in the habit of getting exactly what she wanted. She had a way with people and they usually caved in to her whims. When she called Ami Itou at the bank earlier that day and “suggested” that she call in the loan for “We Serve Anything”, she was met with very little resistance. When Ami asked why, Miss Finch politely said she wanted it that way.

So she was not shocked when she received the call from Laura at the restaurant. What did somewhat intrigue her was why did the call come from Laura and not Chef Mattie? Never the mind she thought. It certainly looked like she would be getting her longpig in a matter of a few days.

People should not try and under estimate her she thought. This Laura obviously thought that she would get away with Miss Finch putting the $50,000 in Chef Mattie’s account and then they would try to make some kind of substitution. Not going to happen! This was not Nora Finch’s first day on the job… oh no! Every trick had been tried before on her and she could smell one coming a mile away.

Nora was pretty sure that within a short period of time, maybe an hour or so, she would receive another call either from Laura or Chef Mattie agreeing to her terms. They would have some kind of a plan to make sure that Laura was not really cooked but Nora Finch would not be made into a sucker. Laura would be cooked for real; Nora would make sure of it.

Around the same time Darlene “The Critic” March was being sat at a booth in P.F. Chang. Darlene ordered a glass of Chardonnay and asked to see the menu. The manager and head chef came over to welcome her and she graciously shook their hands. She smiled in their faces while inside was planning on crucifying them! Mental note, Chef was a Caucasian. Chinese restaurants need Chinese chefs… title of review.

Darlene sat back with her glass of wine and let her mind drift to her conversation with Laura this morning. To think that she would agree to cook a woman for her; it was just too silly! But they do advertise that the serve anything… maybe they really do serve anything! Crazy; there was no way they were going to make a cannibal meal out of some innocent girl.

Well one thing was for sure, no matter what happened at “We Serve Anything” tomorrow, Darlene would be fully aware of it and it would end up being published in the paper. Maybe this was just the break she needed to get back into hard news. Could you imagine a buy line “Real Life Cannibal Restaurant”? She smelled a Pulitzer someplace there.

Yes, tomorrow before anyone got to the restaurant, she would sneak and break into the place. She would hide in the kitchen someplace and see what Chef Mattie was really going to prepare. One way or the other it would be a great story.

When Mattie got back to restaurant Laura had finished chopping up the carrots and onions and also prepped other items that she knew were used every night. Chef Mattie asked if there were any reservations for tomorrow and Laura said no. The truth was that several people called for a table but Laura had turned them away knowing that she only wanted two diners there tomorrow night, Miss Finch and The Critic.

Chef Mattie made them each a bowl of soup which she prepared for appetizers for that evening, cut up some bread put it out on one of the tables. Laura poured them each a glass of wine. This was their traditional lunch each day the restaurant was open.

“I cannot believe this is happening,” said Mattie, “Amy Itou has always been so reasonable with me. I asked her why and she said she had to.”

“Do you want me to speak with her?” asked Laura.

“No, it would do no good, she obviously has made up her mind,” answered Mattie.

“You need to take the $50,000 that Miss Finch is offering,” said Laura.

Chef Mattie looked at her hands and shook her head “I thought about it on the way over here and I do not see how I could ever do what she is asking.”

“But what if no one was to get hurt?” asked Laura.

“I know what you said Laura, but how would no one get hurt. This mad woman wants me to cook someone for her dinner. You think the girl I cook is not going to get hurt? I will have to butcher her; do you think Miss Nora Finch is not going to watch the butchering to make sure it is a girl I am serving and not some other kind of meat?”

“You will not butcher the girl,” said Laura.

“What do you mean?” asked Mattie.

“I have watched many cannibal movies and they usually cook the girl alive. Did you ever see “King Solomon’s Mines”, they boil Sharon stone alive,” said Laura.

“Yes, you are correct, but cooking someone alive? Do you not think that would hurt at least just a little,” said Mattie a little sarcastically.

“Oh, you really will not cook anyone for too long. You will make your world famous suckling pig. You will get the girl you are going to cook, marinate her and tie her to the spit. You with light the fire underneath and start to turn her. All this time Miss Nora Finch will be in the kitchen watching. After she is satisfied which should hopefully be in 20 minutes or less, you can escort her to her table and set her up with a drink. You will go back into the kitchen, remove the girl from the spit and replace her with a suckling pig. You will serve Miss Finch the pig and she will not know the difference,” said Laura.

Mattie looked at Laura and shook her head “Never work. First of all if nothing else do you really think a girl would volunteer to be roasted on a spit for 20 minute at least?”

“Yes, I know just the girl,” said Laura.

“Who would be crazy enough to do that?” asked Mattie.

“Me,” aid Laura.

“Not going to happen, put it out of your mind. But for argument sake let us say you or another girl does this thing. What happens if Miss Finch wants to stay longer in the kitchen or decides to come back later to see more?” asked Mattie.

“Don’t allow it. After all, it is still your restaurant. We need to hope for a little luck in this thing too. The worst thing that could happen is she discovers the truth and you do not get the money. Nothing lost, nothing gained,” said Laura.

“I fear lot worse things could happen but I am not really sure what,” said Mattie.

“Don’t be silly! You are a great Chef and I am your loyal assistant! Like that old American show Electra Woman and Dyna Girl!” said Laura.

“How do you know that show? It was from before my time but I saw some repeats on one of the cartoon channels,” said Mattie.

“Actually it is quite a hit in Romania,” said Laura.

“Strange country you come from!” said Chef Mattie.

“Look Mattie, you are my very best friend. When nobody else would give me a chance you gave me a job. I am honored to help you. Please let me do what I need to do. I know that no matter what, you will not let me be hurt,” said Laura.

“Since you put it that way, ok! We will do it. We will have to go and buy a large suckling pig. We will place it in the cooler and I will substitute it for you when we convince Miss Finch that it is real.” Said Mattie.

“There is one problem that you will have,” said Laura.

“What is that?” asked Chef Mattie.

“You will never be able to move me on and off the fire yourself. You also will not be able to put the suckling pig over the fire without help. We will need someone to help us,” said Laura.

“Who do you have in mind?” asked Mattie.

“My cousin Valentina.”

“Valentina? Would she help us?” asked Mattie.

“I will ask her. She is going to college to be an accountant and I am sure she is not taking any classes tomorrow. I will call her to see if she will help,” said Laura.

“Great,” said Mattie.

“Oh there is just one more thing,” said Laura.

“What’s that?” asked Mattie.

Laura was going to tell her that The Critic was going to also be coming tomorrow and that she also wanted to eat longpig but she hesitated. “Oh it is nothing. It is just that we have another diner coming tomorrow night but it should not be a problem as she wants suckling pig too.”

“Then it will not be a problem. Valentina can serve her and Miss Finch. If this works you will have to escape so that Miss Finch will never know the truth,” said Chef Mattie.

Laura thought that it might work but needed Valentina to help her with The Critic. She hoped Valentina would be willing because if she said no, Chef Mattie might as well roast her for real!

To be continued…

Chapter 5

“Yes, Valentina will help,” said Valentina in her broken English.

“Thanks Val, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this,” said Laura.

“Just tell Valentina what to do and I do.”

So Laura explained everything to Valentina and she listened without saying a word. Laura spoke in Romanian to Valentina so there would be no misunderstanding. After she was finished she waited for Valentina to respond hoping that she understood what needed to be done.

Valentina preferred to speak in English as she needed to use the language to become successful in her new country and said “You want Valentina to cook you, yes?”

Laura thought Valentina understood because in the past even when the words came out somewhat wrong, she usually got things right. Laura said “Well only pretend.”

“Yes, pretend,” said Valentina.

“We need to be able to put one over on The Critic and Miss Finch,” said Laura.

“Put one over? I do not understand this,” said Valentina.

Laura explained to her in Romanian exactly what she meant. Valentina said “Ah, you want to fool them. No problem Valentina can help.”

Of that Laura was sure. Valentina had worked in the restaurant when she first came over from Romania. She liked Chef Mattie almost as much as Laura. But Valentina was very smart too. People sometimes got fooled by the way she spoke, but that was wrong. Just the fact that she was in college to become an accountant should prove to others that she was quite smart.

“Thanks, you will really help Mattie out. I know you like Mattie because she helped you when you first came to America,” said Laura.

“Yes, Mattie helped Valentina when she had no money. Valentina will help Mattie,” she said.

“Thank you again Val,” said Laura.

“Miss Finch like Baba Yaga?” asked Valentina.

Baba Yaga was a fairy tale about a witch who was a cannibal. This was a very popular story in Romania. As a matter of fact there were many stories about cannibal witches in Romania and Eastern Europe all based on Baba Yaga. As Laura understood, there were elements of truth behind these tales.

“Yes,” answered Laura.

“Valentina like Baba Yaga,” she said.

“Yes I liked that story too as a young girl, made me stay out of the woods,” agreed Laura.

“No, you no like Baba Yaga, Valentina like Baba Yaga,” she said.

Laura did not quite understand and wished that Valentina would speak in their native tongue. “What do you mean?”

“Valentina eat fete,” she said switching to her native tongue mid sentence.

“You eat girls?” asked Laura.

“Yes,” said Valentina.

Laura had often thought Valentina might have been a lesbian but was not sure. She said “oh you mean you have sex with girls?”

“No, I mean yes, but not what Valentina means,” she said, “Valentina eat girls too.”

“Are you saying that you are a cannibal?” asked Laura.

“Cannibal, yes.” Said Valentina.

This was too much for Laura. Here was the third woman today she spoke to that either wanted to or had already dined on the flesh of a woman. This must be a bad dream she thought. She asked Valentina “Tell me when this happened.”

So Valentina told Laura the story. Valentina had just turned 18 years old and Laura was already in the United States. Valentina had thought about leaving Romania but her mother needed her to take care of the farm. They lived in a remote area and there was no one to help her mother if Valentina left. This is why she came to the United States three years after Laura.

Anyhow, the second winter after Laura had left had been brutal. All of the few Chickens and pigs they had they had eaten. There was no way to go to the closest village for meat as their farm was always almost snowed in. They had survived on what few vegetables and fruits they had stored.

As the winter dragged on, Valentina could see that both she and her mother were getting weak. There was no question that she would have to go out and hunt some meat for them to survive. She tried several times with a shotgun they had, but Valentina was no huntress.

By the middle of February Valentina’s mother could hardly get out of bed. Valentina made the decision that she must try to get to town which was at least five miles away. She decided the next morning she would dress extremely warmly and try to make it. In the morning, she made a hot cup of coffee and was just about to leave when there was a knock on the door.

She opened the door and to her surprise stood a pretty woman in a heavy coat and ski pants. Valentina invited her into the house and made her a cup of coffee. Her name was Inga and she was on a skiing trip with her college friends. Unfortunately they decided to take a hike and she got lost. She had been wondering in the forest for what she thought was two days and most likely would have died if she did not find the house of Valentina and her Mother.

Inga was a beautiful well-rounded blonde who must have been around 21 years of age. She looked a little like Suzanne Summers. She asked if Valentina had a telephone and was disappointed to find out she no. Valentina told her that the nearest village was five mile away and that she was going to walk there this very day. She told Inga it would be dangerous, but there was almost no food left and she had to go.

Inga who was a little lazy told Valentina that she would stay with Valentina’s mother because she was real tired form her trek and that Valentina should bring food and help back. This upset Valentina but she did say anything; she needed to get food for her mother.

So Valentina got on her coat and went out the front door. To her dismay, snow had started and was coming down very fast and hard. Valentina knew there was no way that she would make it to the village. She walked back into the house and saw Inga lying on the floor next to the fireplace. Her mother was in the bed too weak to move.

Inga asked Valentina what happened and she told her about the snow. Inga started to moan that they would starve here and that Valentina should really try and make it for the sake of all three of them. Valentina got madder by the minute.

The tipping point for Valentina was when Inga said she was cold and if Valentina could get some more wood for the fire. Valentina at that moment made her decision. She said in her broken English to Inga if she would like to take a hot bath since she was so cold. Inga said yes.

Valentina led Inga to the kitchen where she showed her a huge cauldron that hung over a hearth. She told Inga that she and her mother bathed often in the cauldron. Valentina’s English was bad but Inga seemed to understand her pretty good. Valentina was studying for when she would go to America. Inga thought it was a wonderful idea and stripped naked right there.

Valentina filled the cauldron with water and lit the fire underneath. Inga asked why Valentina had lit the fire and she explained that if Inga got in without the fire being lit, she would freeze because it was so cold outside. This was the only way to warm the water.

So Inga climbed into the pot and lowered herself into the already warming water. Inga immediately said that it felt marvelous! She played in the water and did not notice as Valentina added logs to the fire below the pot.

Valentina asked Inga how she felt and Inga responded that it felt wonderful! Inga was tired from her walk and after about 30 minute in the water she dozed off. As soon as Valentina saw that Inga was sleeping she added what spices and vegetables that were left in the kitchen to the water. Inga never woke up again and in four hours had made a delicious soup.

Valentina brought two bowls of the soup to her mother who ate up the hardy broth with some chunks of Inga meat. After eating, her mother fell back to sleep and Valentina had several bowls herself.

In the morning her mother woke up and Valentina gave her two more bowls of the soup. By the next day, her mother had regained much of her strength and got out of bed. Her mother asked where she had got the delicious meat for the soup and Valentina, not one to lie told her mother.

Valentina had fully expected to be scolded by her mother but to her surprise, her mother said nothing. As a matter of fact her mother ladled them out another bowl of soup each. Nothing more of what happened was ever said.

In a few days an early spring thaw came and Valentina was able to go to the village to buy supplies. When she was there she saw a few college students desperately searching for their lost companion. She heard the local constable say that if she was lost in the woods, most likely a wild animal had eaten her and she would not be seen again.

Laura had been engrossed in Valentina’s story and was taken by surprise when it abruptly ended. Valentina finally said “See Valentina like Baba Yaga.”

“Yes, but you had no choice,” said Laura.

“No choice yes, but meat good!” said Valentina.

This somewhat disturbed Laura but she could not worry about it as she needed to help Chef Mattie.

“So be at the restaurant at 9am tomorrow, ok?” asked Laura.

“Valentina be there, not to worry,” she said.

But it seemed that Laura had more to worry about all the time.

To be continued…

Chapter 6

“Hello Miss Finch?” said Mattie when the phone was picked up.

“Yes, who is this?”

“This is Chef Mattie with “We Serve Anything”; how are you?”

“I am fine. I imagine that you have decided to take my offer of the $50, 000,” said Miss Finch.

Mattie said “How did you know?”

“Why else would you be calling me? What time will you be starting to prepare and roast my longpig?” asked Miss Finch.

Mattie thought to the point she is. “Well if you would like to dine at 7pm, I will need to get the pig started by 1pm the latest. Would you like to be here to witness the preparation?”

“Certainly. You want the money do you not? I will not pay unless I am sure it is genuine longpig you are preparing,” said Miss Finch.

“Not to worry it will be,” said Chef Mattie.

“Am I to assume that the longpig you will be making for me will be that delicious helper you have, Laura?” asked Nora Finch.

“Yes, she volunteered. Unfortunately I need the money and she has always been willing to do anything for me,” said Mattie.

“Loyalty is so hard to find these days! I am sure she will be as tasty as she is loyal. See you at 1pm.” Miss Finch clicked the receiver off.

Mattie turned to Laura and said “You can still say you do not want to do this.”

“No, I want to help you and this is the only way,” said Laura.

Chef Mattie grabbed Laura and they hugged. “You are the best friend I ever had. Let’s attend to tonight’s guests.”

Mattie and Laura went shopping and bought all the supplies they would need for tomorrow including a large suckling pig. They cleaned up the kitchen and Laura changed into her button down shirt to serve the food. After the guests were finished Laura and Mattie locked up and they went home.

Laura lay in her bed tossing and turning for several hours before she could get to sleep. What if something went wrong? She could not let that happen or Mattie would lose the restaurant. She hoped she could count on everyone to do exactly what was anticipated and expected. But one thing Laura knew was nothing ever went as planned.

Darlene March finished her review of PF Chang in which, she destroyed the ambiance and the food. Another winning review she thought sarcastically. She emailed the review to publishing so it could be printed in the morning paper.

She had called her assistant Kristie and told her she would be reviewing “We Serve Anything” tomorrow and that she would not be in to the office. Kristie asked her why she needed all day and Darlene said it was a surprise.

Darlene went to her closet and found a black leather pants and jacket set which was skin tight on her. She tried it on to see how she looked. Just like Emma Peel in the Avengers she thought except she had a little more meat on the bone.

She took off the outfit and worked out her plan in her mind. She would be at the restaurant at 6am in the morning while it was still dark outside. She would have to break into the place and then hide herself in the kitchen. She would bring her digital camera and snap pictures as needed. Once she saw the deception, she would jump out and confront the chef with it.

But what if by some crazy chance they were actually going to roast a woman for her to eat? If so, she would get pictures of that and it would be the most amazing story ever to hit the local paper.

Either way, Darlene was in for a lot of attention. She thought for sure she might even win a prize for this story. And imagine if there was a crime committed? She might get the city beat! This was so exciting!

Darlene had no problems sleeping and when the alarm went off at 4:30am, she was quickly out of bed and into the shower. She dressed in her black leather cat suit and was out the door in a matter of minutes. She got into her car and drove to the restaurant parking her car a block away.

She made her way around to the back of the restaurant and found the back door. As she suspected it was not well locked. Restaurants never had much to protect beside food. She used one of her credit cards to pop the lock. She entered the restaurant and locked the door behind her.

Fumbling, she found a light switch and turned in on. The kitchen was amazing. It was spotless and had ever kind of cooking utensil and appliance imaginable. Her eyes immediately were fixated on the large hearth with the spit hanging above it. There was no question a whole woman could be roasted there. As a matter of fact from looking at the pots, roasting pans and the several huge ovens, a woman could be cooked in almost any of these things.

Now where to hide? She looked around and thought about the closed in shelving under the cabinets. She could crawl into one of these storage compartments and leave it cracked so she could watch what would happen. She bent down and looked into the different compartments, but quickly found they were all full with pots and pans.

Not as easy a she had thought to find a hiding place! What about sitting in one of the big pots she thought. She grabbed the biggest one and placed it on the floor. She stood up into it and kneeled down. There was no question that she could hide in here but what if the chef needed the pot? She would be easily discovered.

She was about to give up when she saw something that might be perfect. There was a huge oven on the wall near the back of the kitchen which had a glass window. On the door below the window was a sign which said “Out Of Order”.

She looked at the oven closely. It certainly looked big enough for her to get into and with the window she could look out and see everything that was happening. She opened the oven door and looked in. There was no question that it was big enough for her to lay in or even kneel. There was a long roasting pan on the shelf which she could use instead of lying directly on the rack. This would prevent her knees from getting irritated from the grates.

Oh well she would need to try it to make sure it would work. She hopped up on the open door and crawled into the oven and into the roasting pan. It was indeed big enough for her! She crawled in a tight circle so her ass faced the back of the oven and she looked out over the kitchen. The view was perfect!

Now all she need to know was would she still be able to see with the oven door closed. She pushed on the bottom of the door and gently let it close. She looked out the widow and even though it was a little soiled from the grease, she was able to see out fine.

Darlene thought she must look just like a pig that was being roasted in an oven. All she would need was an apple in her mouth.

Ok then, she would need to turn the light off and then get back up here in the oven so she could watch what would happen. She pressed on the oven door and nothing happened. She pressed again and still nothing happened. Oh my God she thought! The door must have locked when it closed!

She started to pound on the door and nothing happened. A quick panic attack caught her off guard and she started to hyperventilate. It took about five minutes for Darlene to get control of herself. Once she did she decided that there must be a reasonable solution to this problem. She was about to have another panic attack when it came to her. She had her cell phone!

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and saw it was already nearly 7am. She wondered what time the employees of this restaurant arrived. She could not worry about that now. She dialed Kristie’s cell phone number.

Kristie picked up her cell phone which was on her night stand by the side of her bed and listened to her boss tell her of her predicament. Kristie finally said “You have to be kidding!”

Darlene said “I wish I was! Now hurry over here and get me out of this oven before the employees of this restaurant arrive!” Darlene hung up the phone.

This is amazing she thought. How many of the chef’s she flambéed in her reviews had threatened to roast her alive if they caught her! If any of them knew she was in this oven they probably would line up to turn on the gas! Thank goodness the oven was out of order!

Kristie lived about 30 minutes from the restaurant and Darlene was real happy when she heard fumbling at the back door around 7:30am. Unfortunately her joy was short lived when she saw that the person who entered the kitchen was not Kristie at all but an employee of the restaurant.

Laura called out “Mattie? Are you here?” There was no answer. Laura had thought she was there because the light was on. She was pretty sure they had turned it off when they left last night. Never the mind she thought when she did not get an answer.

Laura put up a pot of coffee and set up two cups for her and Mattie.

Darlene kneeling in the oven could not believe the horrible mess she had gotten herself into and only hoped somehow Kristie would be able to figure out how to rescue her without being discovered.

Laura heard fumbling at the back door and went to open it for who she assumed was Chef Mattie. She pushed the door opened and looked a little surprised. At the door was a pretty blue jean clad girl of about 25 with a long brown pony tail chewing a piece of gum. She looked somewhat like Kate Hudson.

“Can I help you?” asked Laura.

“Hi, I am Kristie and I need to get something out of the oven before it gets burned,” the girl said.

To be continued…

Chapter 7

Miss Finch woke up extra early and went to her closet to pick out her best dining outfit for this evening. It was not often she had the pleasure of dining out on longpig. Generally in order to eat this fine feast she would have to either make it herself or go to one of her friends houses where they also indulged in this kind of meat. There were several restaurants which were “underground” which served this treat but none were close. Her favorite was in Montreal “Chez Mac.”

As soon as she heard of “We Serve Anything”, she hoped that name was true. She was disappointed when that tender beauty she spoke with on the phone misunderstood her order and prepared for her suckling pig. And after meeting Chef Mattie she thought that maybe she would not get her fine feast. Thankfully, Miss Nora Finch had friends in high places. One of them was Ami Itou at the local bank. Ami often partook in a delicious feast that Nora would prepare.

The biggest problem with this whole thing was to make sure that Chef Mattie did not try and pull a fast one on her. She had other restaurants promise to make this fine meat for her and they tricked her by substituting either poultry or pork. Nora Finch made the decision that this would never happen again and she would be certain that what was served was genuine longpig. Certainly no money would go into the Chef Mattie’s account until she knew that Laura was in her tummy.

Nora looked at her naked figure in the full length mirror and thought not too bad for 696 years old! Nora did not look a day over 35 and that was accomplished by a spell she had cast on her years ago. She would remain youthful if she consumed female flesh at least once a week. “You go girl,” she spoke out loud.

Valentina had to take the bus to restaurant and she waited at the bus stop at 7:30am. She was really excited about helping her cousin Laura. She also was glad to help Chef Mattie as she was very nice and always took care of her just like Laura.

Valentina liked to help in the restaurant but Mattie did not have many customers right now. Maybe now that the restaurant would be written up in the paper, people would start to come again. But Valentina had other ideas that would help the restaurant be more popular.

Maybe they should not serve anything. Maybe that should serve only one type of meat and that type being girl flesh. Valentina had thought often how well a restaurant would do that specialized in this fine meat. If only people knew how good the meat really was! Valentina would make sure by the end of the day today people besides her would know.

It took Kristie about five drawn out minutes to explain to Laura that The Critic was hiding in the oven. At first Laura was mad but that quickly fade away because this posed a whole other set of problems!

Laura had expected The Critic to take Valentina’s word that it was longpig when she was served but apparently that would not work. Everyone seemed to need to be reassured they were not going to be scammed. She would have to think this out quickly and before things got going.

First things first, she needed to get The Critic out of the oven before Mattie arrived. She walked over with Kristie to the oven door marked “Out OF Order” and pulled the door open. She looked in and saw the beautiful brunette woman piggy style facing her.

The Critic said “Gee, how long were you guys going to stand there running your mouths? Now help me out of this thing!”

Laura gave her hand to Darlene and helped her out of the oven. Darlene dusted herself off and said thank you to both Laura and Kristie.

Laura said “I cannot believe you would not trust me. I promised you longpig and that is what you will get! Now please leave and comeback this evening. I do not want Chef Mattie to see you here or she might cook you for dinner!”

“Ah yes, you said you wanted to surprise her with my review,” said The Critic.

Laura said, “To be honest she does not want you here. I set this up to help her as business is not too good.”

“Do you have intentions of really cooking a woman for me? That is why I hid because I did not believe you would really do it,” said The Critic.

“Cook a woman?” asked Kristie stunned.

“Yes, Kristie, the name of the restaurant as you know is “We Serve Anything”. I wanted to see if it was false advertising so I gave them an item to serve what they could not possibly serve,” said The Critic.

“Well you do not have to worry about that because I told you we would serve longpig and we will,” said Laura. “Now get out of here before Chef Mattie arrives.”

But it was too late because just then they heard a car pull up outside. “Oh my god,” said Laura. “You two need to hide!”

“Hide, why?” asked Kristie.

“Because I do not want Chef Mattie to see you or everything will be ruined. And if you do not care about that, you should about her reaction; Chefs have notoriously bad attitudes to strangers in their kitchen…especially critics! Now I need to hide you two!” said Laura. <br